Every month there is that little bit of hope that you might fall pregnant and you start to symptom watch and every little thing you question "oh, this might be it". It gets to the point to where you obsess over it and you actually convince yourself that you must be because of some new thing you are experiencing. So you get yourself worked up and excited and you start fantasizing over what could be and you start making plans in your head about your new future with your new baby. You even take a few early response pregnancy tests just in case you are, then you would know a few days early. But it comes up negative. That is okay it is still early you have time before your period comes.
Then your period comes
You start to feel depressed again the second you see that first symptom of your period. Why? Why does it keep showing up when you are so desperately trying to conceive. You do everything right you eat well, you take good care of yourself, you track your ovulation, you have a stable home and income and your partner is also a good person.
You are doing EVERYTHING right but you still aren't getting pregnant.
Then you start to question yourself. Oh this must be your fault. You are failing because you are supposed to be able to do one THING. Get pregnant. And you just aren't getting it right. Then you start to doubt yourself as a person. Does your partner deserve better, someone who CAN have a baby. If you have children you know you want to give them siblings but you just cant right now, are you failing them?
Eventually it starts to become too much, month after month. You start to fall deeper and deeper into that whole of sadness. Let me tell you something.
This journey you are on is scary. It can take time and sometimes a LOT of time. Sometimes it requires help and that is okay. Whatever that may be. THAT PREGNANCY TEST DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. You are so much more than a negative pregnancy test. You are a strong person who is compassionate and loving. You are tough and have been through so much and one day when and how you have your baby, your baby will admire YOUR STRENGTH. You are doing the best you can, that test is just that...a test. It doesn't define you so stop allowing it to control you.
Sure, easier said than done.
But the more you allow that test to control you the more you start to lose yourself. Don't allow it to control your emotions and who you are. It is just a piece of plastic. You are not plastic you are a real amazing person, know your worth and love yourself. Understand your journey has you taking new and different roads every day and one day you will understand why your path was the way that it was.
Love yourself. Don't lose yourself. Stop allowing those tests to control you and define you and your worth.
You are worth a lot.
I wish I didn't always feel like I have to "earn" people's love. I wish just being myself was enough.
I am an asshole and snap at my partner often and I try to apologize as often as I can for being such a hot mess I hope they don't start to view me differently. I do my best! Anxiety is a bitch but I am a work in progress.
sometimes i feel like a bad mom when i get upset with my kids but sometimes i just have really bad days.