I just want to get pregnant. SO bad and it is starting to control my life. My mood. My relationship.

This is heavy because the feeling is VERY real. This isn't a current thought but it is a thought I have had throughout my adulthood MANY TIMES and it is a thought that I have allowed to control me for years in the past. Sometimes we want and we want and we crave to where it starts to consume us and we begin to obsess over things that we cannot control and then eventually it changes us. But that is something that we have to remember. We are NOT in control of a lot of things. We are in control of how we respond to things that don't work in our favor and choose to act and by being in control we can be happier even when let down.

One thing that I have learned over the years is breathe. We have to remember that when things don't happen it doesn't mean that we are failures. This is something that used to weigh heavy on my chest. Oh I can't get pregnant so it must be my fault. It is NOBODY'S fault. Not yours. Not your partner. Nobody's fault. We also need to remember to be kinder to ourselves. Love ourselves. Respect ourselves and understand that the human body works in WEIRD ways and sometimes in ways that we cannot control. We can do EVERYTHING right and sometimes things will just not work out as planned. 

I have been told many times. "oh well you have three kids. HOW can you suffer from infertility" I do have three kids. But if I sat down with you and told you the struggles that it took to get them here. The pain, heartache and loss in between each child that I endured. The sadness from negative pregnancy tests, lack of ovulation, hormone imbalances and constant fear of miscarriage [again]. You would understand that yeah, just because I have three children doesn't mean that I don't suffer.

That is something that we have to remember. Just because someone has a child, or five doesn't mean they haven't experienced things to get them here. Or if someone DOESN'T have children we need to remember NOT to ask them why they don't have children because the pain of being asked is hard. The pain of being asked "how is your pregnancy" AFTER having a miscarriage is hard because you never told anyone of the loss. The pain of seeing your friends get pregnant after barely trying [NOT their fault] its a natural sadness feeling...it can be a lot. 

We need to remember to breathe through the heartache to understand something is waiting for us. There is a reason we are having to wait. It doesn't make sense but it will one day. As a birth worker and as a mother and woman who suffers from fertility issues I am going to lay it out there for you. 

Breathe. Give yourself grace and respect. UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT that you are not at fault. DO NOT resent yourself OR your partner. STOP blaming. GET. OFF. OF. GOOGLE. You are doing nothing but looking for ways to blame yourself or feel sad by googling. Learn to love your partner again. I understand how badly you want to get pregnant. How badly you want a child. But at what cost. You need to remember that sometimes we self destruct. We SLIP and fall into a hole and it takes a lot to pull ourselves out and we figure. Hey I am already down here so I might as well keep going. We can't continue to do that.

This is something that is common. When we want something REALLY bad we obsess and focus all of our attention in order to accomplish that goal and when it doesn't work right away or even after a while we start to resent the one we are with and you can FEEL your relationship slip. Stop. Switch your attention.

WAKE up and have the mindset of "I am not going to obsess over getting pregnant today. I am going to love myself my partner and I will focus on what I CAN control which is MY FEELINGS and the way I choose TO RESPOND". Change your mindset. Change your focus. Breathe the fresh air, change your mindset to you and your partner and your family and your personal healing and goals. NOT getting pregnant. Tell your partner "lets just not talk about it. Let's laugh and love and learn and just enjoy each other. Love each other. Respect ourselves and each other and the good will come but no more obsessing"

You can WANT to get pregnant but stop obsessing over it. It will control you and change you and you will slip into a deep dark hole of sadness. Pick yourself up. LOVE YOURSELF WITH ALL THAT YOU HAVE. 

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL. Let the rest go.

Hugs my friends. I am here for you.