You're pregnant. Scared. Emotions are ALL over the place. You don't know what to do and you just cannot seem to find the strength to be happy.
Most of the time being pregnant is a joyous happy time but sometimes it doesn't quite feel like that. It feels heavy. Lonely. Depressing.
At least that is how it felt for me.
I was happy but also scared when I fell pregnant with my third. I was older and had been told for years that I couldn't get pregnant again so we had adjusted to life with our older two with no thoughts of having another. When I found out I was pregnant I was happy but at the same time I was flooded with other feelings..feelings that made me feel like something was wrong with me. That I wasn't good enough for my baby. I wanted to be overjoyed and happy. I DID. I WANTED my child. But at the same time I felt scared and unable to connect with the pregnancy. I have had depression most of my life so it felt like it was amplified. There were a million things going through my mind and a million emotions I was feeling but why couldn't I just BE HAPPY. I WAS HAPPY. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. No she wasn't planned. No we weren't trying but I was having a baby. MY baby I should have been happier.
I reached out to my therapist and she talked with me and reassured me that I wasn't a bad mother I was just experiencing Antenatal Depression. Prenatal Depression.
So what did this mean? It meant that I AM a good mother. I DO love my baby. But my mind is clouded with a million emotions and I just couldn't handle them all at once.
This is common. This is more common then we think and realize.THIS IS REAL. THIS IS HAPPENING. WE NEED to talk to each other and be understanding that yes there is depression. YES there is postpartum depression but there is ALSO prenatal depression and it is FOR REAL.
There are so many things that can trigger prenatal depression and a lot of these things are out of our control. Some of the causes or triggers of prenatal depression can involve lack of support, unwanted pregnancy, marital issues or even just something as simple as a slight life disruption. For me I feel that I felt triggered by the timing, the stress of adding another child, not wanting to tell anyone because I was bleeding constantly due to a hemorrhage in my uterus and I feared Id miscarry.
There were things I could do to help manage my depression. Talk therapy which HELPED a ton. Relaxing and resting as much as possible as well as spending time with my partner helped me feel more relaxed. As my pregnancy progressed I felt more relaxed and started to bond with my baby.
It was NEVER ENDING STRESS. There are so many reasons on why we might develop prenatal depression... But the sooner you realize that something may be off and reach out to someone who can help you the sooner you can slow down and try to get to the root of the issue and move forward.
You aren't a bad mother. You are WORTHY of your baby. YOU AREN'T doing anything wrong.
You just need a little bit of help and it is okay to reach out and ask for it. Reach out. Understand you are doing the best that you can and it is okay to NOT be okay just don't sit in your emotions share your emotions with your others so you can have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
I am an asshole and snap at my partner often and I try to apologize as often as I can for being such a hot mess I hope they don't start to view me differently. I do my best! Anxiety is a bitch but I am a work in progress.
Social distancing is making me realize even more how I have no friends. I hear from people only when they need me or need something from me. It's a good time to focus on family.
i'm so tired of friendships that feel like a game. if you are my friend, be consistent.