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February 06, 2020

This morning I cried in the shower

We wake up and we do what is called a "loop" we do the same thing every day and after a while it just seems like same ol same ol without any change. We wake up and warm up coffee in the microwave 5 times and then just give up because we keep forgetting. We get the kids ready for the day and attempt to clean while they come right behind us with a mess so we give up on that as well. We help pack lunches or make them breakfast while they scream and fight and whine about something new. Before we know it is time for dinner and we are scrambling to throw something together while trying to figure out bath time and family time. Bed time comes around and then we throw ourselves on the couch feeling completely wiped out and then we TELL ourselves we are going to stay up late watch shows and have alone time but really, we pass out by 9.


We wake up and it starts over.


Don't get me wrong I love being home with my kids I also work on the weekends and when I can slip away from the house. But sometimes I feel this heavy weight on my chest that sometimes just WON'T let up. It's almost like every day someone adds half a pound to it and it get's harder and harder to move and then breathing almost feels impossible. But I love being able to watch them grow and be there when they need me at all times but I am not going to lie sometimes it feels too much. Sometimes they whine about what I DIDN'T do for them that day. How I didn't buy chips when I bought plenty of other things. How they don't have clean socks because maybe I didn't have time to do laundry for a few days. It is a LOT....


But I BURY it deep down and pretend I am okay because it is just easier. It's easier because if I let anyone know that the weight slamming down on my chest is overwhelming they might think I am ungrateful to be home. Or that I don't care about them or that I can't handle it. Instead. I cry. Alone in the shower.


It's easier. 


When I get that 10 minutes of leftover lukewarm water to myself after laundry has run or the dishwasher has run I stand in there in my thoughts and cry. Not because I hate my life. I love my life. I love my family. I love that I am home. I love that I get to work when I can. I cry because it is EASIER. It is easier than trying to find the time to go talk to someone. It is easier than trying to open up to my partner because I don't want them to think I am ungrateful. It is easier than trying to tell friends because I know a lot of friends can't be home during the day.


So I take my shower and I cry.


I love my life but crying helps. It helps me get all of the crap out of my system. It helps me release the weight of constant go go go. I get 10 minutes to just be. Alone. In a Luke warm shower. Sometimes I don't cry sometimes I just stand in silence. Sometimes I enjoy my shower and I get the chance to have nice hot water for 10 minutes. But most of the time. I take a shower and cry.



Then I get out, get dressed and finish my day.



It's okay to cry. To be sad. To be overwhelmed. To be happy and sad and crazy all at once. It is okay to feel like you don't have it all together. It is okay to feel like you can't do it. That it is just TOO much. It is okay to love your kids and family with everything you've got but also feel like you want to run away. You are amazing. Strong. Doing it. Remember how amazing you are as a parent. We have hard days and some days it feels like we are just on "loop" keep pushing. That is what I am doing.



Sometimes I have to realize I am just having a bad DAY not a bad life. There is a huge difference. We need to OPEN UP to those in our lives about how we are feeling...to stop carrying all of the weight on our chest and allow others to help. That way showers turn into just showers and not an outlet to cry and let go.

One day at a time.

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