Recently I gave birth to my third child and instantly I knew something was off because I felt different. I didn’t feel bad but I didn’t feel great either so it was very confusing. When I discovered that I had postpartum depression I was able to take charge of those feelings and hormones a little bit better. Postpartum feelings are often talked about but nobody really talks about the rage. It isn’t instant, at least in my opinion. It kind of comes in waves and it is a very overwhelming feeling. You can feel it coming yet you just don’t really care and you snap. If I could be more specific, I would say it is a lot like how you feel when you are on your period. Just instant anger and it sucks because you don’t want to be angry you just are.
You could be fine just going about the day but instantly you see the clean laundry on the bed and you can feel the anger building up because you now have to do the laundry when you thought you had nothing left to do. You want five minutes alone to lay on the bed but everyone is coming in asking you a million questions. You just want to walk through the store without anyone approaching you because they see your baby, but here they come. Those little things that shouldn’t upset you but you are already at a constant tipping point that eventually after that third POKE you explode. You snap. You don’t mean to because that isn’t in your character but you do. It just comes out of nowhere and you feel terrible because you just blew up over nothing leaving your family to think that they can’t do anything now without upsetting you.
I like to share how I am feeling and what is going on with me with my children. Yes they are young but at the same time we are a family and when one of us is going through something I think it’s fair to share with the house even if they don’t fully understand. After a while I would just keep snapping at them, it was impacting the entire home. The dynamic of the house was changing and no matter what I did, I could feel myself spinning out of control and then back to my bubbly perky self. Hormones can take us on a crazy ride and if we aren’t careful, eventually it will start to take over fully. Knowing that I already had depression and explaining to my children that I am currently going through changes since recently having a baby I decided that I needed to reach out to my counselor and see what was going on. She told me that postpartum rage is common and after telling her exactly how I feel she confirmed I was experiencing it.
I want to be a happy mom. I want my children to run to my side whenever they need someone to talk to or if they need help with anything. It is hard to control these feelings especially when the rage comes out of nowhere. I think what is helping me the most is communicating with my family about what we can all do to work together so everyone feels good, confident and happy. They know that I am experiencing a lot of feelings and I communicated with them that if I feel that anger approach I will do my best to remove myself from the room.
I NEVER want my children to feel that I am angry with them. We decided we needed to work together to clean, do our own share of chores, and just overall help out so I don’t get too overwhelmed. The postpartum period is a journey in itself and I feel if we are all communicating and somewhat understanding of the underlying issue we can work through it together.
as far as vaccines are considered, they scare the shit out of me
i’m exhausted. i don’t want to ask for help anymore. why is it so hard for my loved ones to see me drowning and still not offer for to step up?!
i don't think i'm cut out for this world. everything hurts my heart too much.