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August 26, 2019

Please stop asking when we are going to have a baby

This is a really hard sentence to understand for most especially when you already have children or may not want children so when you ask others if they are having more children or when they plan to have their first there are a lot of things you need to take into consideration first. After my loss it was constantly “when you are having more kids, are you having more, Noah would love a sibling” but deep down I was suffering because we lost a baby and then I was told I couldn’t have anymore. Even after having our second we were told that due to issues and then some we wouldn’t be able to have anymore. And we didn’t. Until after almost 6 years later when our surprise third came. But in between each child we were constantly being asked when there would be more and it was just easier to say “Oh we are fine with just one or two” but in reality we were told we couldn’t have more.


Here are some things to take into consideration before asking someone when they are going to have a or more babies.


Fertility is a sensitive subject 

There are so many people suffering with infertility and it is a monthly struggle that turns into a yearly struggle and it can be overwhelming for so many to where they bury the sadness deep down and refuse to talk about it. They are ashamed or embarrassed and sometimes feel like they did something wrong, I know that I did. I felt that way. I felt that I should be trying harder to give my family another baby and when I couldn’t I was failing. 


They may just not want to have children

And that is okay! Some just don’t want to have children and that is their choice not to. Don’t make them feel guilty for not wanting kids.


It isn’t as easy for a same sex couple

I wish every deserving person and couple could have a baby but sometimes that isn’t in the cards. Adoption usually is the only option and it is still hard for them because of who they love [which isn’t fair] so although they want to have children too, it isn’t as easy.


Some have lost a child 

Stillbirth and miscarriage are common and when they happen it can be life shattering for the family. It isn’t an easy conversation to have with people so sometimes it is easier to keep it bottled inside. Once you start to talk about it old wounds are opened and it gets hard for everyone. So before you ask someone about them having a baby think maybe they had the chance once and it didn’t workout for them. 



So even though you have great intentions think about how your questions may impact that other person, especially since you have no idea what they are currently going through in their own life. I think it is safe to say that unless they let you know about why they may or may not have kids, don’t ask.


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