Pregnancy loss has to be one of the saddest most heart wrenching things I have personally ever experienced. When you have this hope and dream of becoming a mother, the last thing on your mind is that something bad might happen to take that dream away from you. So when it does happen to you it is hard to wrap your mind around why it happened and why it happened to you. It is never easy going through a loss no matter who or what age so when it is your own baby it hurts even more. It doesn’t matter if you were barely pregnant or in your third trimester when you lose a baby, the hurt is just as bad and you will forever carry that with you. The worst part about it is when people comfort you in ways that in your mind may not be comforting such as, it wasn’t meant to be, at least you can get pregnant, you can always try again.
Even though the people in our life are doing their best in the end zero words said at all hurts less.
When my oldest was two we decided to have another baby and we were overjoyed with excitement to give him a sibling so when it finally happened, we were over the moon with joy. Three months later our world came crashing down when we lost the baby. The hardest part was having to explain to people that you weren’t pregnant anymore and explaining that the doctor said “it just happens” without crying and feeling at fault. You feel this overwhelming guilt that you did something wrong and that it must have been your fault. You know you weren’t at fault but it doesn’t matter because the guilt is just too overwhelming.
You do your best to heal and to grieve and move forward because yes, you have another child however, you also just lost one. Moving forward was extremely hard but we needed to.
Three years later after being told we had a slim chance of having more kids due to me finding out I had Endometriosis and PCOS but we decided to try even though we knew the chances were slim. Sure enough after trying we fell pregnant with our second child and let me tell you I was TERRIFIED. Not to have another baby but to have another loss. I was already considered high risk due to a previous loss and having medical issues that pretty much consumed my reproductive organs.
So on top of that my anxiety was through the roof and all I wanted to do was enjoy my pregnancy and prepare our family for another baby.
I soon began to feel sad. I was happy that I was having another baby that I was blessed with another opportunity it was that I felt I was replacing the one that I had lost. Would I forget about them? Do they not matter because now I am having a new baby? I will forever remember that pregnancy but I had to remind myself that we must take what happens to us in the past and use it to strengthen us for the future. I knew I had to use my heartache to gain strength for my child and potential future children that I couldn’t continue to feel guilt over something that was completely out of my control.
So that is what I did I relaxed and understood that there was nothing I could do right or wrong in order for the pregnancy to fail.
Everything was out of my control and I had to take it day to day and if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. I was still anxious throughout my entire pregnancy with my second but the guilt had faded because I knew in my heart that it was going to be okay.
my kids are dicks sometimes. I’m a dick sometimes. So in other words we are all dicks being dicks to each other.
I wish I didn't always feel like I have to "earn" people's love. I wish just being myself was enough.
the more i learn to love myself the easier it is to see the people who bring joy to my life and the people who just take from me.