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September 19, 2019

I am in control of my depression

Depression is such a tainted bad word in today’s society but why? Why does it have to be such a bad thing to talk about. We all deal with our own crap we all have those things that we have been carrying for years that constantly POKE at us. We all have suffered tragedies we have just learned to bury them deep down and pretend that it never happened so as we get older we start to develop triggers that set us back. We all have our crap. So why not talk about it? Why not learn to be more open about the things we have experienced in our lives. The fear that someone might just judge us? If someone is going to judge you because you had a crap childhood or because you experienced a terrible loss and you are depressed about it then you need new friends. We all suffer. Some are just a lot better at hiding it than others. 


Start to say what you have always been afraid to say, it's what I am learning to do.


I have been suffering for years. I am not saying that I wake up every day and hide in my room and pretend that there is no real world out there. But I have been there. I have been to the point of questioning my life, sure it has been a LONG time since I have been here but I have been there. I have been to the point to where I have shut everyone I love out of my life because I don’t want to overwhelm them with my feelings. I have been to the point of saying I am not good enough.  I am to the point to where I openly say “I suffer with depression and anxiety” and I am proud to say that. Because the first step to accepting who you are is by saying it out loud.


I am able to deal and manage with my struggles because I am so open about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of and I know that. It can be scary to be lost in your thoughts and emotions, but know you don’t have to be lost. Find someone to talk to, it has helped me for years. Take medication, again this helps me every day. Find your drive in life and hold on and realize you are worth more than your depression lets on. 



I grew up in a home where nobody really genuinely cared about each other and it happens to a lot of us. We grow up without love and affection and we are treated a certain way, some worse than others and that sticks with us as we grow up. It impacts us and sometimes it can be so impacting that it shapes us to think that is how we treat others or that is how we are supposed to live as adults. Then eventually those suppressed memories and feelings start to slowly leak out causing these overwhelming sad angry feelings. This can lead to depression. At least it did for me. I let it control me for so long that I just assumed that I was supposed to live being sad every day, that normal outbursts of anger were what I was supposed to deal with.


After being treated poorly my entire childhood and as a teenager and partial adulthood before cutting those toxic people from my life, I just assumed that was normal.


Well it isn’t. You don’t have to live like that you don’t have to live in silence and suffer from your depression and feelings in silence. Talk about it and I promise it won’t fix it but it is a great step into personal healing, it helps you become stronger facing it head on. It is a day to day struggle but own your struggles and fight back because you don’t have to let depression control you, you are in control you just have to try.


YOU SHOULD want better for yourself because you are worth so much, I know that I am. That is why I am in control.


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